Bloody GoodforNothing Vampires
by Draconic Vengence
Summary: When Integra tries to work, things rarely ever go to plan. Unfortunately, this is most of the time. No real pairing, a little cracky. Warnings for graphicness and language.


Do not own Hellsing. That's about it, really.

Happy Birthday fic for the wonderful ScorpioDraconis, who is my Lord and Master who is infinitely greater than I. Go check her out. /birthday pimping

So.. Other than that.. Graphic shiz, as pretty much always.. It's a little humourous, I guess, so if humour offends you.. I dunno. You need to get a check or something. Whatever. So yeah. Oh. And.. Language. Ya.

And Alucard being Alucard. Which is now a warning. Because you so totally know that he would.  
~~~~~~~

A moan of what could only be described as something that couldn't quite decide whether it hurt like a bitch or felt fucking amazing rang throughout the deserted hallways of the Hellsing manor early one chilly Sunday morning. Somewhere to her left, a bird twittered cheerfully, only to fly away when another animalistic noise followed the first.

Integra made a vaguely disgusted face and endeavoured to continue the paperwork that had amassed into a small mountain on her desk. A noise that filthy could only have come from the mouth of her pet, carnal and at times quite inappropriate as he was. She sighed as a third low moan echoed, sometimes wishing that she'd chosen to soundproof the dungeons early into her role as the head of the organization.

God only knew what he was doing. She pitied God sometimes, really, she did. Between stuck with men like that pig Maxwell and his bitch of a paladin as followers and having to put up with knowing what everyone was doing at one given time, Integra imagined that it would be a job that would take an immense amount of patience.

As far as she was aware, the police girl Seras would be asleep in her bed, and Walter would be in the kitchen making tea. It was a wonder that anyone could sleep through the racket that Alucard was making, however. The sharp, quickly cut-off cry that seemed to be coming from her servant only lit the quickly burning fuse of her temper.

She couldn't be doing with this. He tormented her when he was around, and even when he wasn't, he still managed to piss her off.

Pushing back from her desk, Integra stood, straightening her tie slightly and walking purposefully over to the door, with half a mind of.. to put it bluntly, tearing the vampire a new one. Sighing in agitation, she descended the stairs, the noises getting louder with each step she took down the marble staircase, pinching the bridge of her nose. She would have to ask Walter for some painkillers with her tea this afternoon.

She wandered into the damp depths of the basement, and was reminded of the time she'd first come down here, all those years ago, which had happened to be also the first time she had met Alucard. And shot her Uncle. (Incidentally, it was also the last time she'd shot her Uncle, he didn't seem to have gotten up after the bullet she'd put in him. Served him right. Bastard.)

Making her way to the door, she listened for a moment, if only to confirm the fact that it was indeed her pet making these odd noises. A loud, echoing whine indeed confirmed her suspicions, it _was_ Alucard being noisy. She pushed open the door a crack.

All her knowledge, everything she'd seen in her time as the head of the organization couldn't have prepared her for the sight that greeted her.

Sprawled, naked aside from his hat, which was precautiously perched on his head, one leg hanging over the arm of his chair, the other foot planted firmly on the ground, chest heaving and a definite pleased flush colouring his cheeks, was Alucard.

Integra's gaze ran down his right arm to note one hand curled around his erection, the other pushing an object of some description deep inside himself. It took her but a moment to realize that the object was, in fact, his Jackal. The vampire let out a low, desperate moan, rocking slightly, pushing the gun deeper, and arching, his pale skin gleaming like liquid silver in the poor light. Ruby eyes slitted in pleasure regarded her with an air of perverse amusement, and Integra realized with an explosion of rage, that this is what the vampire had intended all along, for her to find him like this. Trust Alucard to come up with something ridiculous as pleasuring himself with his own weapon, and actually get off on the danger that he might inadvertedly blow his own insides to pieces.

"Like what you see, my Master?" His eyes lit up almost mockingly, and Integra, shaking with rage, pulled out her gun and shot him in the chest, the silver (Or could it have been Alucard?,) making a hissing noise.

His blood splattered the floor and down his chest and stomach, the vampire let out a loud howl of pleasure and came positively violently, his essence quickly turning a pink colour as it mixed with the blood on his skin.

Twitching, Integra growled, "Get up, Alucard, and clean yourself up while you're at it, or so help me, I'm going to string you up by your genitals in the entrance hall."

She turned on heel and stalked out, pressing two fingers to her temples, a dark chuckle following her out. She whipped around and shot him again, but the vampire only let out a content noise, somewhat akin to a purr. She left, cursing under her breath about ridiculous stunts and bloody good-for-nothing vampires.

She was definately going to need those painkillers.


End file.
